


Fed the Monkey Man

by Caroline



Category: Alice in Chains, Supernatural RPF
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-05-06
Updated: 2010-05-06
Packaged: 2017-10-09 08:27:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,279
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/85078
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Caroline/pseuds/Caroline
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Another Jerry dealing with Layne's death fic.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Fed the Monkey Man

**Author's Note:**

> Set in Caarirose's Seattle Connections Verse and stands as a prequel. It was written and posted with her permission as part of her Jeff, Jared and Just about anyone else fic challenge on LJ. My prompt was Then back home to Seattle, Fed the Monkey Man lyrics from Between by Jerry Cantrell. Beta'd by Meredevachon.
> 
> Disclaimer: I know nothing, I'm claiming nothing. No disrespect or infringement is intended. This is a piece of fan fiction and should be treated as such.
> 
> Warnings: Angst.

April 2002

It wasn't surprising that they found themselves back here. After all it wasn't the first time they'd all gathered in this park, and he was pretty sure it wouldn't be the last. If it hadn't been so close to home he probably would have been quite amazed at this city and its people, amazed at the outpouring of love for his friend. But as it was, it was too close, too soon; the grey wasn't even close to lifting. And in those odd patches were it did seem to soften, it was only to anger, helplessness and to something that he assumed was pain even though he couldn't even begin to describe it, let alone come close to facing it. Somewhere in the back of his mind, he knew it was driven by guilt, driven by the 'if only I'd...' . Guilt that really had no place here, even if he couldn't stop it.

The Layne he had known - and if he was in any way honest with himself loved - had been gone for years; he knew and understood that. Understood that what had remained hadn't really been his friend but rather someone who was living in the shell of the person he'd known, but while there had still been 'a' Layne hanging on in there, there had been hope.

And now that light was gone.

The man he'd known would have laughed at his own timing; it would have been something that would have appealed to his sense of humour. And while his friend might have made a sarcastic comment or three about a gathering like this, deep down the singer would have been as proud as he knows he'll be given time and distance.

But standing there chatting to people he only half knows or doesn't know at all - or worse yet feels he should know and should cling on to but can't, can't reach out through the cloud that seems to have descended around him. He can't seem to find any joy in the memories of good times that they're sharing.

Either Mikey or Sean has been on his shoulder all day, not letting him out of their sights; he knows they're looking out for him, putting him before their own grief, he knows he should be grateful, but deep down all he wants to do is lash out, tell them to leave him be, to let him break apart and fade away.

The mask he's wearing must be holding, as no one is shying away, not like in the past when he was at breaking point and people would duck and cover. He's seen and talked to Eddie and Mike, spent a moment or two with Mark and Steve, and he knows that he's spent time chatting with Chris even if he can't remember a word they said; really it's all something of a blur.

People just seem to appear in front of him and Sean like pop-up characters from a book, appearing out of thin air without warning. He has no real awareness of what is going on around him; he could be in the middle of a desert for all the effect that people were having on him.

Stone is the next in a long line of people coming over to talk to them. The face of the guy Stone brings with him is another he feels he should know, though it's more one he feels he should know as a friend of a friend rather than someone who was part of their group. The conversation between Sean, Stone and this other guy swirls around him like sand in the wind, sharp edges stinging him occasionally but no real feelings. He's hearing the words, but they aren't really registering; the odd word makes sense, but that's about it. Hopefully he's nodding in the right places and getting away with playing human.

It's only when he focuses on dark eyes full of understanding that something seems to get through the fog, and suddenly he can't look away, feels drawn to the man standing in front of him.

"Thanks. Stone. Jeff."

Sean's words help even more; allowing him to say goodbye to the other men and pocket the small card that is pressed to his palm as he and Jeff shake hands before they leave him with Sean for a few brief moments before the next person seems to appear out of the ether.

*~*

He can't sleep. He's not been able to sleep; it's not something that seems to want to come. Tonight is a week since they gathered to remember Layne, a week that feels like fifty, and tonight is no different from the night before and the one before that. He can't even sit still - so he's pacing in ever deceasing circles - so tired he doesn't know what day of the week it is, yet so awake he can feel the ants in his pants crawling over his skin. The pain that he can't face is leaking through the cracks in his soul, another one opening as fast as he papers over the last. It's got to be three in the morning, and he's slowly going out of his mind.

For some reason dark concerned eyes swim to the surface of the maelstrom that is his mind; it's not something he questions, just reaches for the card Jeff gave him and calls. He'd reach for anything right about now, any help he can get, and he knows it.

"'Ello."

The voice on the other end of the line growls, roughened by sleep and fairly obvious annoyance. It's enough to have him hesitating and stumbling over himself in a voice that he's not even sure he recognises as his own any more. "Err... Jeff? It's... umm... Jerry, Jerry Cantrell… Did...I...err...wake you?"

Jeff's voice instantly softens, asking him exactly where he is and telling him to call down to reception to let them know that he's coming over. The conversation, or the lack thereof, has him staring blankly at the receiver as it's put back down. For the first time in he doesn't know how long, he's unable to move, unable to comprehend that someone he doesn't know would be willing to drop everything at three in the morning.

The knock on the door shakes him enough to get up and answer it, which in turn has him stepping back into the room, backing up from those eyes. Yes the concern is still there, but there's something else there as well, something that he recognises at the back of his mind even if it can't name it. Something that pierces the fog long enough to shock him and start to tear holes in the walls he's built to protect himself but now can't scale. Walls that have left him trapped in this place, unable to move forward even a single step.

Yet somehow this man seems to move right past them, seems for some reason to make the pain that threatens to floor him more bearable somehow. He may have three inches on Jeff, but there's no doubt that Jeff is the one in control here and has been from the moment that he entered the room. He feels safer, knows he doesn't have to worry, that he can lean on this man and just be, if only for this moment. And for some strange reason that is totally all right, and it's perfectly all right for that to be what he needs.

A gentle finger on his chin encourages him to meet Jeff's eyes and hold them long enough that he can see his own truth being reflected back at him.

"You taken anything?"

A very slight shake of his head is the only answer that he's capable of giving, but it's enough, and the smile his reply gets is its own reward. He doesn't have to say that it is another of those constant battles nor that it's one he's slowly losing because right now that doesn't matter.

"What you looking for, Jerry?"

The question startles him slightly, as it's not one he can answer, but he's sure Jeff knows that. It's about giving something a starting place. "I don't know." But for the moment 'I don't know' is acutally okay. He knows Jeff can't wave a magic wand and fix this; it doesn't work that way, but at least for now it can be easier. "Sleep would be good." His off-hand, slightly wry comment brings a smile to Jeff's lips, one that at any other time he'd recognise for what it was, a thing of beauty, but right now it simply blows a little more of the grey away.

"Might be able to help with that one."

With that he's tugged over to the bed and nudged down on to it; shoes, socks, and belt are removed before strong fingers start massaging his feet. Who knew that thumbs against his soles would relax kinks in his muscles he didn't even know he had?

As his eyes begin to droop, Jeff kicks off his own shoes and removes his belt from his jeans before sliding into bed next to him, pulling the sheet up over them, enclosing them in warmth. As that happens, he finds himself arranged against Jeff's side with his head resting against Jeff's shoulder, the solid beat of his heart the final gentle nudge into much needed sleep.

*~*

November 2008

How many of these had they been to? It was a question that always seemed to pop into his head as he walked into the room where the benefit was being held, and they'd been to several over the years. Even when they weren't playing together, weren't really speaking to each other they'd turn out, out of love and respect for their friends who had been and were being supported by MAP. It seemed that they did these things a little more often since they'd come back together as a band, not that that was really surprising. Something that had started out of respect and remembrance had now taken on a life of its own, one which he wanted to live, wanted to share, and if that involved MAP, he wasn't complaining in the slightest.

As they made their way though the various tables, he, Sean, Mikey and William stopped to chat with the different people they knew. Some that he hadn't seen in a long while others that he'd been texting with that morning, but that was what this town and these people were like. Friends were friends, and that didn't change whether you spoke to them daily or yearly.

"Jeff!" The smile he gave the other man in welcome spoke of a lot of things, of a friendship that was more than just friends, of the closeness that they'd once had. Not the kind of smile that old lovers would share, there had never been anything like that between them. If anything what they had was much deeper. Jeff had been something and someone he'd clung to, someone who had kept him from drowning during one of the darkest times in his life, and if the truth be told, was probably someone who'd kept him in the land of the living.

While things had been extremely intense there for a while, it had never slipped over into sex, though he was never completely sure why - only that Jeff wouldn't take that kind of advantage ever, even when things had improved and he wasn't leaning as heavily as he had been. It would have been easy but Jeff made sure it wasn't and that had been something he'd never really understood until now. While the person sitting next to Jeff might have been giving him, Sean, and Mikey the whole 'god you don't know how much I love Alice' expression, it was Jeff he was leaning into, Jeff he was drawing strength from, even if he didn't know and possibly wouldn't ever know.

"Good to see you, Jerry."

"And you." The touch in the centre of his back reminding him who he belonged to now. "I don't think you've met William." Stepping to the side a little he made room so that the the two men could shake hands, instantly seeing things that he'd not known how to name until recently. Until William had pushed the point giving him the courage to take that final step.

"Jerry's told me a lot about you."

As he watched, the comment brought a different kind of smile to Jeff's lips.

"You shouldn't believe all you hear."

"Oh but I do; we'll have to do lunch some time."

The slight sarcasm in William's voice seemed at odds with the very genuine smile on his face. Well it would if you didn't know him, but it didn't seem to faze Jeff, but then again, he wasn't sure that anything fazed Jeff. Watching the rest of the group at Jeff's table, he couldn't help but wonder if they really knew what had just passed between his friend and his lover. If they understood just how well William and Jeff knew each other without ever having met.

There was a final round of handshakes that put names to faces, and they were gone to find their own table. He could feel something shift inside him, as though a door that he didn't even know was open was finally closing . It wasn't a sad feeling, as the gap it left just left more room for William and what they felt for each other. But it was an ending and it was a good ending too.

The right place and the right time.

~ End ~

**Author's Note:**

> Originally written and post February 2009


End file.
